Take me home please

Rools

These are not complicated. The idea is to leave a clean plate, and this must be achieved at the table – no takeouts allowed. 'Squirrelling' could result in expulsion. Barfing means a straight zero for that session – we're not that heartless – but please do it in the bog or outside the shop. Points are awarded per portion as follows:
  • Eels = 4 points
  • Pie = 4 points
  • Mash = 3 points (in some shops, one portion is two 'scoops' or 'scrapes')
  • Afters = 2 points (this could be fruit pie and custard, but if you eat the pie and leave the custard you will be penalised)
  • Liquor = 1 point
If you leave a portion, you will not only NOT SCORE for that item, but you will also be penalised by the corresponding amount of points.
  • For example, say you order 1 eels, 2 pies, 2 mash and 1 liquor and finish it all, you would score: (1x4)+(2x4)+(2x3)+(1x1) = 19
  • But, if you leave a bit of mash and some liquor, you would score: (1x4)+(2x4)+(0x3)+(-1x1) = 11
  • Or, if you leave some eels:
    (-1x4)+(2x4)+(2x3)+(1x1) = 11

No points are awarded for cups of tea, fizzy drinks, exotic condiments, confectionery, etc. Under very exceptional circumstances, you may be able to score from a remote location on the day of a meeting. Criteria as follows:

  • You must provide the club with at least a week's notice
  • The venue must be a pukka pie and mash retail outlet
  • You must provide the club with photographic evidence plus an itemised bill, authenticated and signed by a member of staff

Penalty for a ringing mobile phone is 5 points. Put it on 'silent' or even better, switch it off, you hooligan – this is a social occasion. Remember that the Pie & Mash Club’s high standards of etiquette and decorum must be upheld at every sitting.