Take me home please
Clark's, 46 Exmouth Market
Season 2008-2009

ROUND 13
29.05.'09

played
eels (5)
pie (4)
mash (3)
afters (2)
liquor (1)
sum
total
NICK EVANS
13
1
3
1
0
1
21
263
TOM LEADER
6
2
2
2
0
2
26
202
LEN WILCOCK
6
0
5
4
0
2
34
183
ANTHONY RUELLO
8
0
3
3
0
2
23
165
BEN HAYES
6
           
110
JASON SHARP
6
           
103
ANDY POTTER
7
0
2
2
0
1
15
103
RON COX
4
           
93
TERRY CECIL
6
           
92
RICHARD LUCAS
4
0
3
2
0
1
19
66
EDWARD MOSSE
6
1*
2
1
0
1
7
64
JOHN LEACH
4
           
58
SCOTT CECIL
4
           
55
GRAHAM DARLOW
2
2
2
1
0
1
22
50
TED BATTS
4
           
42
DAVID ROYALTON-KISCH
3
           
42
ALAN SMITH
3
1
1
1
0
1
13
40
DENISE ROUSE
3
           
35
JAMIE TANNER
2
           
31
DOUGLAS BENFORD
2
           
28
ALAN TERRY
2
           
28
DANIEL BOUQUET
2
0
2
2
0
1
15
27
TONY CHUNG
2
           
24
THOMAS KRAFT
2
           
24
NICHOLAS KINGSTON-SMITH
1
           
17
REHAN QAYOOM
2
           
16
CHRIS WALTER
1
           
15
SAM NEAVE
1
0
2
1
0
1
12
12
ROY TANNER
1
           
12
RACHEL EVANS
1
0
1
1
0
1
8
8
TAMSIN EVANS
1
           
8
BEN HARVEY
1
           
8
ANTO MORRA
1
           
8
JACK MOSSE
1
           
8
LYDIA MOSSE
1
0
1
0
0
1
5
5
GRACE COX
1
           
2

As I absorbed the sight, sounds and smells of Exmouth Market on this glorious end-of May noon I thought I had stepped into the mythical month of Prairial, like a post-revolutionary dreamer. A plate of pie and mash was the necessary corrective to this flight of French fancy. Len 'The Gobfather' Wilcock was also on hand to ensure a complete lack of nonsense.

Two notables from the world of publishing were already ensconced in their stalls when I arrived; Daniel Bouquet and Richard Lucas of the Quercus Press. In [dis-]honour of a disappointing season, 'Lowcas' had even left his Mister Pound tie at home. It would have gone so well with his Paul Smith shirt.

Across the way I beheld heartwarming and homely sights; Rachel Evans and be-bibbed babe Eva, accompanied by Miss Lydia and Mr Edward Mosse esq., my co-denizens of Parliament Hill.

For the young 'uns it was their first taste of 'le scoff ambrosiaque'. I can't say it was love at first bite for li'l Eva as the baby teeth had not yet emerged, but morsels from all four food groups were gratefully gummed and slavered over . . .

. . . that's what bibs are for.

Last season's champ, Graham Darlow,was the model of gentlemanly conduct and sporting fair play, sacrificing his usual king-size portion of eels for a modest bowlette, that others might enjoy this rare delicacy before it gets devalued to 4 points next season. Yes, that's right, in conjunction with the W.W.F.(The World Wildlife Fund, not The World Wrestling Federation, of which Eel Wranglers form a vociferous minority) the club is de-incentivising the eel in a bid to revive falling stocks. Could this mark the end of the Eel Barons of the Pie and Mash Club?

Mick and his mate enjoy a pie and a paper.

On the back table Pottsy cruised home to a comfortable joint sixth place, which meant he could claim something of a victory over his pie rivals, the Cecils.

Sam Neave saw us on the internet and decided to come down and introduce himself – whilst having a small plate himself of course. Sam's personal record is 8pies and 4 mash: I am not inclined to disbelieve him.

Our antipodean chum Anthony Ruello confirmed his Cockney credentials by finishing a fine first season in fourth place; quite remarkable when you consider the affable Aussie only got underway at Round Five. I am still not clear whether his regular attendances at Upton Park are for football or pies.

 

This is the face that sunk a thousand eels . . . and the trophy dreams of many a young contender. Who's the daddy?

Alternatively, where's my daddy?

At last the cutlery ceased to clatter the crockery, and so the awards were presented.

1st Place / Realistic Clay Pies: Nick Evans
(If anything they're surrealistic.)

2nd Place / Silver Liquor Spoon: Tom Leader
(That ribbon gets tighter each year.)

3rd Place / Bib: Len Wilcock

The League at long last has an F.A.-accredited referee. Len dribbled, dazzled and remained onside from his first run out at Chapel Market. And you can't say the ref. needs glasses neither.

The Wooden Spoon for consistent under-achievement went to Rehan Qayoom, who failed to impress on the marble tops, in verse and on this occasion, in appearance. End of term summary: 'Must try harder'. The award was gracefully accepted on his behalf by Lydia Mosse. She doesn't even like mashed potato, would you Adam'n'Eve it?

The Pie and Mash banana for young achievement was not accepted gracefully.

Look at those gert grinning physogs and tell me these people aren't happy.

Third from left is the barelegged Alan Smith. This, just before he sprinted off to catch a jet to Holland, where he is teaching the natives how to play baseball properly. Apparently they'd been pitching with old edams. Incidentally, legend has it that a naval battle between Uruguay and Argentina was won when the Uruguayans resorted to using old, hard edam as cannonballs. Hence the term 'hard cheese'.

Just desserts.

I thought a pint of delicious Harvey's Ale from the Exmouth Arms formed a perfect second course, but some were tempted by the various al fresco wares of the foodies' market. For the lionish Leader, a salt beef sandwich was spotted at 50 paces, hunted, brought down and devoured with a fearsomeness not often seen outside the Veldt. It was nature red in tooth and claw, missing only a David Attenborough commentary.

A similar fate was in store for a hapless chocolate muffin. Lydia Mosse adopted the 'praying Mantis' technique.

An idyllic stroll through Clerkenwell's leafy environs led us to the Jerusalem Tavern, now something of a Pie and Mash pilgrimage point, and the perfect place to round things off.

At this time of the year the talk turns towards summer pastimes: 'What about the cricket, Len?'

Look who's walking.

I look forward to seeing you next season, relaxed and refreshed after an excellent summer break.

Lemoncordially,

St@