ROUND 10
05.04.'07

Exactly at this stage last season my report was wishing a happy retirement to a familiar and much-liked face from behind the counter of Clark's – the lovely li'l Lil. Well, she's back. In fact that's her back in the 'back in action' picture above. (And it's a good job Clark's is not in Acton.) She's never looked so well, as Richard Lucas's portrait amply illustrates.

The next time you are in Clark's dining room, take a look around its tiled walls, as there is all manner of theatrical notices and advertisements. This nosherie must surely be the haunt of thinking thesp's eating themselves into a role, and Sadlers Wellians preparing for a marathon Nutcracker.

That's Harvey's plate over there; although the Pie and Mash League welcomes six-foot rabbits – and pookas of all creeds and nationalities – we must insist on visibility throughout the meeting. For all those who suffer from a lack of presence, a simple high-visibility vest from your local builder's suppliers will suffice.

Bob's the friendly type who will strike up a conversation with anyone – in fact he would make a good East-End James Stewart, don't you think? Perhaps we could weave him and a Harvey-style subplot into the fabric of popular TV soap, Eastenders. Season tickets for 'two' at Upton Park, 'Bob and Harvey' sticker for the windscreen of the Vauxhall Viva, that kind of thing.

It has long been suggested that Richard Lucas invoice Clark's for 'Time Spent Eating Pies 1994–2007' but with a bpm (bites per minute) in single figures and a huge stack of pies under his belt, you've got to be looking at a business-busting bill. As regulars will attest, rarely a meeting goes by without 'pushing the envelope' (in more ways than one).

At least the back of it makes a handy scoresheet for the occasion.

St@