Take me home please

 
Clark's, 46 Exmouth Market
Season 2006-2007

ROUND 07
02.02.'07

Played
Eels
(5 pts)
Pie
(4 pts)
Mash
(3 pts)
Afters
(2 pts)
Liquor
(1 pts)
Subtotal
Total
RICHARD LUCAS
7
1
2
1
0
2
18
177
NICK EVANS
6
           
140
BEN HAYES
6
1
2
1
0
2
18
125.5
TOM LEADER
2
           
50
BOB HOLLINGSWORTH
3
0
2
1
0
1
12
40.5
ALAN SMITH
3
1
1
1
0
1
13
40
JAMIE TANNER
2
           
35
GRAHAM DARLOW
1
           
22
CYRIL GOIN
1
           
18
ROY FLOOKS
1
           
16
EDWARD MOSSE
2
           
13
MATTHEW LOWING
1
           
13
ANYA WILSON
1
0
2
1
0
1
12
12
RACHEL EVANS
1
           
12
TONY CHUNG
1
           
8
NEIL DOWDEN
1
           
6

Due to the absence of your usual quick quipping quill master Mr Evans (if only he had a quiff), it has fallen unto me Richard 'Locust' Lucas (5 times champion) to fill this void with a report of the last pie'n'mash encounter, and to aspire to his high standards of jocundity.

The prelude to this latest meeting was the announcement of Mister Evans' absence from it, along with a wistful observation that the Trophy was "headed back into Richard Locust's hands". This was swiftly followed by a communiqué to me from Graham 'run-away 2003 champion' Darlow saying "in view of your impending triumph, should we call you Big Dick?...The fates have aided your quest for supremacy again".

 

But this season has so far been unpredictable and may not be such a foregone conclusion. With 'gob-alization' finally impinging on the pie'n'mash realm, depleted eel supplies from Eel Slavador and New Eelzland (geddit) have bestowed uncertainty on the pie'n'mash menu. Without these high-scoring apodes in your tally, your season can slip away from you like an eel through the reeds. Mr Evans has already discovered this to his cost several times this season coz 'Locust' turned up first 'n' GOT all the eels. The question is who's gonna get the eels between now and the end of the season?

On the day itself the route of Messrs Lucas and Hollingsworth converged with that of Mr Smith's at the entrance of Exmouth Market. Along the pedestrianised approach to the shop Mr Smith remarked "Isn't it a bit unsporting of you to turn up in view of Nick's [Mr Evans] absence" to which I replied "This IS sporting...very sporting...Nick's probably waiting around the corner".

 

 

Once inside the shop one had to deal with one's biggest embarrassment of the season. Upon reaching inside the trusty wallet to pull out 'a brown one', one discovered one's wallet totally empty! One then had to get down on one's two knees and beg Mr Hollingsworth to lend one one tenner, which oneself then duly forgot to give back until the following Monday.

Our arrival found Mr Hayes and Miss Wilson (all newcomers warmly welcomed) already settled in their stalls. Mr Hayes had the opportunity to GET all the eels by virtue of turning up first. However, by ordering only one portion he failed to do his absent colleague any service (Mr Evans may have private words later).

 

When appetites were abrogated, it was time for me to pull out pencil and paper and tot up tallies. A new face, Anya Wilson was guided through the process of registration. I took down her particulars but Mr Hayes said it was like a "police interrogation"; though vital statistics were proffered, she stopped short of disclosing her date of birth. I congratulated Anya on a "good" first performance and said that "I had to start way down there at the bottom as well". I'm not sure how much my commendment was appreciated, since it produced sniggers from the onlooking Mr Hayes.

At your service,

Mister Lucas (5 times champion)