Take me home please

Clark's, 46 Exmouth Market
Season 2005-2006

ROUND 12
12.05.'06

Played
Eels
(5 pts)
Pie
(4 pts)
Mash
(3 pts)
Afters
(2 pts)
Liquor
(1 pts)
Subtotal
Total
NICK EVANS
12
4
3
2
0
1
39
266
RICHARD LUCAS
11
3
2
2
0
3

32

258.5
TOM LEADER
6
145
BEN HAYES
8
1
3
2
0
2
25
135
BOB HOLLINGSWORTH
7
0
2
1.5
0
1
13.5
114
JAMIE TANNER
4
0
3
1
0
1
16
68.5
TONY CHUNG
4
51
MATTHEW LOWING
3
0
2
1
0
1
12
36
ALAN SMITH
3
31
EDWARD MOSSE
2
17
GRAHAM DARLOW
1
2
2
0
0
1*
17
17
CHRIS FAGG
2
16
GEETA MEHTA
2
0
0
2
0
1
7
15
CYRIL GOIN
1
8
RUSSELL HANDY
1
8
JILL CROPPER
1
8
NEIL BURKEY
1
5.5
CLAIRE KELLY
1
-8
GABRIELLA PAGE-FORT
1
-8

Our grand finale comprised two groups, and the advance party were already mid-munch by the time my cohorts and I arrived at the agreed time of 1.11pm. Given the half point differential between the top two places going into this bout, it could be argued that this small detail decided the battle royale before it even started.

Seeing the massed plates and bowls spread out before last year's tastefully-tinted tie-toting chompian Rikk Lucas, your correspondent opted for a 'low-key' double eels, three pies, two mash and one liquor to lull his opponent into a false sense of security . . .

 

 

Here on the near right is a re-past master of pie and mash, Mister Graham Darlow, our 330-point champion supreme of 2002-3. Those girthsome, table-topping days are never coming back if this Atkins-style low carb selection is anything to go by – he didn't even finish his liquor! But it's difficult to be disparaging about this elder statesman of the league when he's sporting his pastry-tinted spectacles and mystic belt buckle specially for the occasion.

 

On the far right are those cohorts I mentioned earlier. As lady luck would have it we secured a three-seater on the 'observation deck', which provided sweeping views across Exmouth Market. Namely, a book shop, a chemist and the front of a white Transit van. There's Geeta Mehta tucking into her double mash and liquor. Don't be fooled by that charming smile, for what lies beneath is unvarnished ambition for Pie and Mash 'immortality' – her name engraved on the wooden spoon of shame for underachievement at the dinner table.

 

What you would have seen if you were walking past at 1.25pm.

No P-n-M final is complete without a mystery personality competition. This year's attention grabber is pictured right, and as ever, there is a free pie and mash meal for anyone who can recognise her: she could be your mum, a former KGB spy master, a well known writer of romantic fiction, or a much-feared school dinner lady on a day off. Or all four. I reckon she's trying to sneak a pie out in her handbag. Answers (plus some means of verification) in an email to here.

Far right is Matthew Lowing, with that familiar ladies-come-hither arched eyebrow – shurely the next 007? Recently involved in a lucrative transfer from Orion Books to Carlton, he'll be in charge of an innovative publishing program which includes a long-awaited 'double header' biography of Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks, and expansion of the 'Haircuts' franchise, with corporate spinoffs involving Toni&Guy, Vidal Sassoon, Lego and Farmers Weekly.

As Rikk Lucas concluded his ponderous disposal of the massed portions before him, your correspondent headed to the counter for a cheeky 'seconds' of double eels. It was the proverbial last straw as last year's chomp-meister puffed his cheeks in resignation. Pictured is the resulting exchange of trophies . . .

Missus Geeta Mehta decorously accepted the wooden spoon with the customary 'eyes closed' expression. It's nothing to be proud of, but we enjoyed her diminutive company and wish her success in her new life in northerly latitudes. Global warming has affected the Inuit lifestyle to such an extent that a stout cloth cap affords sufficient protection against the arctic elements, whilst the midsummer sun provides ideal conditions for cultivating mushy peas in fields of slush. Nowadays more likely to hewn from slabs of durable short crust pastry, the igloo is still the low-cost habitation of choice, although hungry polar bears are apt to treat them as 'people pies'.

For the second year running, Tom Leader reached third place in the league and once again our fresh-faced fourther Ben Hayes graciously donned the bib on his behalf. Tom, we can't wait to see it on you.

On this hottest day of the season, it was a relief to lean against the chiller cabinet, well stocked as it was with tizer and jellied eels. Despite this tempting cocktail combination, champ 05-06 opted for the ultimate comforter, a cool glass of ale outside the local.

Thanks to one and all for participating . . . let's do it all over again come September.

Love,

Stats x